Wrestling with Destiny's Path

I was driving to my high school today when it suddenly dawned on me
that in my journals I've been discussing theoretical or abstract
experiences instead of actually imparting the wrestling of my daily
existence and placing my questions within a context. While discussing
in universalities can be beneficial, there is the possibility to also
become lost in the aloof and so I want to begin to ground my words in
the hopes of authentically sharing and also of facilitating the
possibilities for a more empathetic experience.

My biggest
struggle in these last few days has been around my path and my destiny.
I have had for a very long time a strong sense of where I am going in
the world. The picture as a whole has not always been crystal clear but
there have been great moments of affirmation when I have been filled
with an inner knowing, a feeling likened to a strengthening calm which
grows inside of me and spreads through my chest and limbs and into the
world. My footsteps are clear and firm and my entire body feels
confidant. In these moments, I am clear. I am clear of who I am in the
moment and of what I am doing. But the last few days I have experienced
the occasional wrench, all theoretically thrown in by myself in
relation to my experiences with others. Questions of my future with
individuals, my commitment to their work and to our love, have raised
big questions about following what I feel so strongly is my destiny and
also being open to the possibility that the manifestation of my destiny
is different from anything I have previously imagined. As I said: I do
not know the picture, I know the mood and I sense the impulse and the
direction. So remaining open to a potentially vastly different world
picture, or should I specify as my world picture, is critical to my own
experience.

But it's difficult: what I know intuitively is
that sacrifices are often made in life. A path is presented, an option
is offered and we must decide whether or not this is the choice to
make. Destiny is not a final destination, I think, but a journey and
process towards fulfilling a task, a life task. So does the journey
have the possibility of manifesting in different ways? I think yes.
Does it mean that my path, as I see it in terms of who I am to share my
journey with and what experiences I am to face along the way are
different than I could possibly imagine? Yes, absolutely. I am certain
that some of the people in my life will be with me; I have no doubt.
Others, I am not so certain and I also know that in this moment, I
don't have the answer. I only can know my destiny and I can only sense
in general terms theirs. Will ours run parallel and intersecting or
will we diverge and bid one another adieu? Will I find a partner who
can walk and run and skip and crawl along the path with me, sharing in
the experiences of what I sense in myself is what I am to do with my
life and will my work and questions resonate with them and theirs? I
certainly hope so.

But in this week one thing has become clear:
I am filled with insurmountable amount of doubt. I just don't know. I
have no clear answer, no firm and static picture and what I so
desperately want is not the full picture, but just a little bit of
affirmation or focus so that I can sense the decisions I need to make,
or if I need to make them now, so that I can simultaneously challenge
and push myself and also protect myself. This is no easy task and it's
consumed my heart, taken my thoughts and wrestled with my mind for days
now. I just wonder if I will find an answer soon and if it will calm
the restlessness of my heart.