Rain, Wind, Action

The rain falls outside the window, pattering onto the rooftop.

It's the quiet rain of a Portland night, soothing aching eyes, weary bones, tired minds.

I sit here, I listen to Judy Collins singing "Blowin' in the Wind" and I smile for the song is correct: the answer is
blowing in the wind. When my heart grows heavy or anxious, it is a wind
which relieves it. The wild autumnal winds whipping about outside,
sweeping away my pain with the gold and red leaves. If I stand in the
middle of the field with my arms out from my sides, I can feel the wind
wrapping about me, washing over my body and moving onwards, relieving
me of that which would burden me for too long.

Now, too, the
wind, a gentle breeze, flits in between the small attic window and
cools me, soothes me. And oftentimes, in moments of build-up, a breath
between my lips will release the tension. My shoulders will release, my
mind will ease and my heart will return to a natural rhythm.

The
wind, the rain, nature. What a phenomenal world we live in. One which
makes me want to sometimes laugh, sometimes yell, sometimes cry. How
incredible is it all? And every day is a mystery waiting to unfold, to
lead me on a quest of my own. This morning, at 4:44, I awoke,
wide-awake with the question of, "Where has my integrity gone? Why am I
not me?" And I thought of the conversation last night on authenticity
and I asked, "Where did I go?" and so I listened to my heart, to the
dialogue in my head and I realized that that which was missing most was
my sense of inner assignment. How easy it is to lose oneself, or one's
own roots! I wasn't prepared for the day in a way which represented who
I was and even before opening my eyes, I felt deflated.

Everywhere
I went, it was apparent: I was just not on my game, I wasn't really
connected and present. And then, there was a sign, an actual sign,
which read, "It is not what you know that matters but how you act" and
it hit me: my actions were no true reflection of who I am. Funny how
that happens, how our actions can show where we're at. So, last night's
conversation about how I am working on a lot in my heart? That persists
but today, I put my figurative emotion-mind galoshes on and went wading
in to find what I could and to discover what was clogging-up the water
flow.

Let's see what unfolds tonight with sleep....