Soul and Body

In Four Souls, one of the novels I am studying for my thesis,
Nanapush describes the coughball of an owl as "everything the bird
can't digest--bones, fur, teeth, claws, and nails" (71). He goes on to
contemplate this compressed ball of the undigestable parts of prey as
"a perfect compression of being. What is the essence, the soul?" His
answer: what the owl pukes. Taken in the context of Ojibwa
understanding of the soul, this makes sense: the soul, and the story,
are all that time does not digest. The soul is, in fact, beyond time,
beyond the confines and conscripts of measures, outcomes, space. It
cannot be discerned beyond more than just the bones, the leftovers, so
to speak. This is the only time we can see the soul, according to
Nanapush.

But, for Ojibwa tradition, the soul has the capacity
to become an animal that disturbs the living. Souls which remain on
earth are here to help, or to haunt. While this does not necessarily
correspond to my picture of the soul--which is that of the foundation
and root-force of our very beings--it does, in the sense, describe its
very essentialness. For the soul is, fundamentally speaking, essential.
It is what enters first and leaves last. Where the spirit is the
life-force, the energy-source, the soul is the life-giver, the essence
of one's very being.

I do not know why that is what I am
thinking of tonight, but I think it is, in part, the question I wonder:
can I sense in my soul? What is it to say, "My soul aches" or "My
soul-mate"? I have an intuitive understanding of these concepts, but
what is it to say, "My soul needs..."

And on that note, I still
continue to contemplate the need of human beings, of individuals, of
myself. Last week Karla at one point aptly remarked, "You need to
garden," and I remember shunning the comment thinking, "I don't need
anything," but she was correct: I do need to garden. I need to feel as
though I am nourishing something, caring and tending to something. I
need to re-examine some of the priorities in my life. I've become
distracted and yet remained focused. I have been in a good space, but
as autumn sets in and the cooler weather emerges, I sense a need to
nurture and, frankly, I find that the souls which I am connected with
are spread further away, distracted with their own questions and lives.
We're a bit disjointed.

I have few to nourish and nurture
right now and I feel a deep longing. I find myself constantly
baking--zucchini bread, brownies, mixing, washing, washing, tidying, in
search. Just as often, I find myself craving to touch: I want to feel
the muscles of someone's body beneath my hands, knead their skin, push
and pull and sense their life-forces pulsating in their blood. For one
of the first times in my life I find few to nourish and am overcome
with the desire to share this love through my fingers, my hands, my
arms.

And how did the soul begin this conversation which
transgressed into the body? I do not know...but tonight, it seems, my
mind is wandering.